Love Me, Or I'll Punch You!

Jealousy. The mere mention of that word scares the absolute hell out of me. It causes fights, beatings, stabbings, shootings, friendships to end, families to breakup, and sometimes even the death of one or both people involved, or worse, to an innocent bystander. It is probably the single most frightening emotion that any human can have.

Thankfully, I'm not the type to be jealous. I guess I don't think about fooling around, so it never dawns on me that anyone I am dating/married to/shack-up with/have tied-up in the barn/etc would do that either. Yeah, I've been bit by that, but so what? My thinking wasn't wrong; I was just dealing about the wrong person.

That doesn't mean, though, that at times it doesn't rear its ugly head either. If one of my co-workers won the lottery, I'd sure be jealous! And if someone I was dating ended up spending a week at a tropical resort full of male strippers, well, I guess in that case I really wouldn't be jealous, because I have no desires to be on a tropical island full of male strippers. But I sure might feel inadequate!

This is probably why I have a a very hard time dealing with anyone who is the jealous type. Oh, I've been there, and it ain't pretty. I feel smothered, controlled, and pushed into a little bitty space. It enrages me, and eventually puts me in a position where I lash back. Plain stated, if you think I am going to fool around, then you don't know me; and if you don't know me, then we have no business being together.

I figured out that the more freedom each person has, the more they enjoy their time with each other, and the the more loyal they become to each other. Each person has to have the ability to enjoy their day, meet the people they need and want to meet, do what they need, and to be themselves without constantly wondering if this is something that is going to upset their partner. It also allows partners to have experiences separately, which gives them something to talk about later.

I can't tell you how many times i have heard women complain about "their man" going to lunch/dinner/talking/whatever with another woman. Does being in a relationship really mean that I can't have contact with other women? That's ridiculous. I've got friends that I have known since we were kids. If I was the kind of person who would do that to a friend just because my date is jealous, then I'd also be the kind of person who'd be jealous of a partner if she talked with another guy. And if I ever become that guy, well, shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Looking at it from a logical point of view, if someone I am dating were to be asked out by another guy, shouldn't I trust their decision? Isn't begin in a relationship totally about trusting someone?

If they want to go out and run around, what can I do? Throw a fit? Lecture? Beat them up? And when that is done, what have I accomplished? I still have someone who would rather be somewhere else than with me. The next opportunity they get, they are going to take. I am going to waste my time constantly wondering what they are doing. Is that any way to live?

No thanks. It's a "Have fun and enjoy your life. Send me a postcard."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt to be rejected like that. Rejection sucks, plain and simple. But time heals all wounds, and eventually you will find someone that wants to be with you because they think you are awesome. But if you are still trying to win a lost cause, the person who thinks you are awesome will never stop by.

Jealousy is a low self-esteem kind of emotion, and it slowly drains the life out of everyone that it touches. If you are in a relationship with someone who is jealous, my advice is always the same: get out. It may seem cute today that he is beating up some other guy for looking at you; but tomorrow, when he is beating you for lookign at some other guy, it won't seem near as cute.

Questions Questions Questions

I admit to being a guy. And of course, that means that I am usually wrong. I don't know nor care why, I am just usually wrong, and that's fine with me. I accept it an go on about my business.

I live in a house built in the 1980's.I bought it a few years back, but haven't made many, if any changes to it. Needless to say, it needs some, uh, updating. So, I sat out to do just that.

I went to the store, and found some awesome looking laminate flooring. Cool! Rough-cut hickory, natrual finish, just perfect. And while I was there, I found some carpet. In brown of course, because brown is the color of dirt, and that means it will hide dirt. And I think I'll paint as well, so I bought some eggshell colored paint, because that's what you paint everything, and no one complains if you decide that you want to sell it.

So this was perfect, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. Oh, this is terrible!

I'm talking with a friend one evening before I get the new carpet installed. I'm telling her what I am doing, and she tells me how much she hates her laminate floors. It seems if they get really wet, they buckle. And the surface gets scraped through. And pets can ruin them. And so forth, and so on. Ok, that's a red flag, so maybe I'll rethink that.

But there's more.

She asks me if there will ever be another woman in my life. I tell her that is always a possibility, you never know what the future will hold. so then she says to me "So why are you re-doign the house twice?"

Huh? What? What are you talking about?

"You do realize that, should you ever meet someone, the first thing she will do is look at your place as a bachelor pad. And that means that she is going to want to re-decorate it herself. So be prepared to change that new carpet out soon."

No! This can not be. Who would look at my beautiful floors and think "Those are nice, but red carpet and tile floors would be better." So I thanked her, and went along my way.

But it nagged at me. And so I asked a couple of other ladies that I knew about this. And they all had the same opinion. But they also offered to help me out, and show me what to do so that this wouldn't happen.

They asked my "mo-teef" and I said "Early Garage Sale". They asked about the colors in my drapes, and I said "Whatever was in those sheets when I made into curtains." Then they asked about my bedspread. Ok, this is getting weird here.

So I said "Ok , this is getting weird here", as I was worried they were going to ask the color of my droors next. Instead, they just want me to take pictures of everything. So I do that. Days go by. I am wondering what has happened. Suddenly they arrive with Paint samples in tow.

Ok, now for you redenck guys, let me explain this. You see, your curtains probably have stripes in them, and what ever color is in the least used stripe, well you want that to match a stripe in your bedspread. Sheets also need to match a stripe on one of the above, but it does not have to be the same stripe.

Still with me?

Now, we have to coordinate a paint color to go with all of the stripes, and then we have to have another color to go on the trim, but it has to match with the paint. And finally, we match the carpet to tie in the whole ensemble. Throw in an area rug, some neutral colored furniture, and -voila- instant beautiful house.

Got that? Good, cause I am totally lost. I am a redneck, for heavens sakes!

Let me explain color samples: It's like looking at a box of 7000 crayons. Ok, there are 7000 crayons. What am I supposed to do with 7000 crayons? Are we drawing stickmen on the walls or something?

In other words, I don't get it. I just don't get it.

I even looked through pictures of one of their houses as they explained how this matched that, went with this orange stripe here, and this leaf, and the vase over there, to the coffee table, and then the counter tops, and the toilet seat. See, it's really simple!

Yeah, right. Know what I did?

I took back the floor and the paint, and cancelled the carpet. I went into my room with the unmatched curtains and bedspread and sat there on my sheets which were one color that didn't match anything. I wanted to curl up in a ball, pulled the sheet over my head, and repeat"I hate paint samples" for 3 days.

Needless to say, the house now looks exactly like it did before I ever started this crud. My checking account is happy, but I still hate the flooring and the walls. At least, though, I don;t have to worry about anything matching, because nothing does. And in a way, that's just my style.

Now, I wonder what colors of paint i can get at the next garage sale.....

Realizations and Confessions

After the last post, I decided to do some research. Not in how to pic up women (my arms were just too tired), but in how confidence affects their actions. As I encountered women during the day, I spoke to them in a different manner to see which way got what response. Naturally, as projected, the more confident I was, the more interaction we had. I talked with female friends to get their insights as well.

While that's not surprising in light of recent revelations, it is still somewhat shocking. And it led me to several "epiphanies":

First, there really is no great pickup line, no need for six-pack abs, and no fancy cars are required to attract women. However, if those things give you confidence, then that's a different story. Even then you need to realize that they are attracted to the confidence, not to the "thing". Once you are confident enough without the thing, you will still have success, within reason. You still can't be 800 pounds, use offensive language, and expect her to chip in for gas money.

Second, when you have someone in your life, you automatically exude confidence. You don't have the need or fear rejection, so you suddenly become attractive. This has bugged men for years. "Why do women only seem to want to pay attention to me when I already have someone?" Well, now you know.

Third, of course, is why men who leave one woman for another get dumped by the new woman in a fairly timely manner. It's simple: they were attracted to the confidence level that was shown while the guy was in a relationship. For afar, it looked good. However, once a new relationship had started, the weakness, fears, and insecurities suddenly reappear. Suddenly the confidence in gone, and the attraction is as well.

Finally, this also affects your relationship with other guys. I used to have a friend that could walk into a shoe store and come out with a supermodel. It just amazed me. His relationships only lasted a few days, but he'd have a new one in 15 minutes. So how did this affect us? I woudl not take my dates around him. Why? For fear that he would "steal" them.

Yeah, I know. How weak can you get? When your scared of losing your date to a friend, well, that's pretty sad. But it is a revelation into why he had success, and I didn't. My lack of confidence automatically made him the Alpha-male in the room. I now tend to wonder if maybe he was only successful when I was playing the un-confident wingman. He was probably just as insecure, but I was forcing women to him, because they saw me as a push-over!

Anywho, this has really opened my eyes, and further drives my desire to figure out what makes people tick. I now realize why men in relationships are attractive, how fast cars and money work on men to make them look confident to women, and how my own insecurities may have led to a lot of the failures in my life.

Wish I'd known all this earlier, but I'm glad that I know it now!

The Knife Cuts Both Ways

I was reading some stuff the other day about what makes a woman think that a guy is Mr Right. Surprising, for the most part, it has nothing to do with looks, financial situation. Where he lives, or what he drives. The number one thing that attracts women is simple: it’s confidence.

Let that sink in. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. What?

Apparently, the minute you are nervous, show signs of low self esteem, or just question your self, most women immediate write you off. This explains a lot about why some guys can find available women at the grocery store, and yet others couldn’t find a date at a lonely hearts convention where he was the only guy.

Confidence. So that’s the “big secret”? Well, think about this:

We are taught from an early age to be respectful. Always take others feelings into mind. Don’t be pushy. Then Hollywood tells us that women want men who are “vulnerable”, in touch with their feelings, and who are sensitive. So while your busy trying to be all of that, who can be confident?

Have you ever asked someone out and been rejected? It’s not a great feeling, and it destroys your confidence in yourself. But why? Why do we feel like crap if someone rejects our advances? Why are we scared to do it again? Why do we then settle for anyone who will give us the time of day? Why can we not just go on to the next one.

Imagine, if you will that you are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks if you would like to order the special. You tell him “no”. What do you think he asks the next customer? Do you think he considers their emotional state, wonders if he is being to forward, tries to be vulnerable, or waits for the customer to ask him about the special first?

“Well of course not! That would be absurd. He’s just asking what you want to eat.” You say. Well, isn’t asking someone out, or to dance, Pretty much the same?

The confidence that women look for is similar to that shown by the waiter. Duh! How could I have missed that?

Let me be clear though: the confidence that we are discussing here is not the abrasive, bragging, “you-need-me” type. It is the type that allows him to show the correct body language – speaking calm, slow and clear, being funny when it is called for, and making strong, but not pushy, decisions. There is a huge difference between the two!

I always wondered why women would talk about how terrible the dating scene is out there, and yet they are surrounded by lots of good honest men at work, or at the store, or at church or where ever. But they never consider these guys, because they are “just friends”.

And the “just friends” guys? They have been programmed so much by Hollywood and other media to believe that if they share their feelings, are vulnerable, be so sweet, and listen so that women will eventually see how great they are.

So, let’s pick two people, Jane and John, and say that they decide to out to a club as “just friends”. John of course asks one girl to dance, but she turns him down flat, as he’s mousey and somewhat hesitant in his approach, i.e. lacking confidence. Now that he has been shot down, he immediately assumes that it is because he isn’t good looking, and is a dork. He probably will sit at a table all night and just exist. If he does ask anyone else, it’ll be someone who looks mousey and like they won’t reject him again.

Meanwhile, Jane gets asked to dance by 36 guys, 35 of which are mousey, and one of which shows the confidence she is looking for. She immediately gravitates to the confident one. There is just one little problem: the guy knows that he just beat out 35 other guys. And because of that, he has a little too much confidence. Heck, he might have had this happen 200 times. So he has reallllllly too much confidence, so yeah, he’s a jerk.

They both go home at the end of the night. Jane keeps talking about how men are all cocky, they just want what they want, and are jerks. John, in the meantime, has determined that he is ugly and he’s a dork, and that the only women he has a chance with are the mousy ones hiding in the corner that no one else seems to want.

Now he’s desperate, and she thinks all men are jerks. John doesn’t understand her thinking, because he’s thinking “I’m right here and I’m vulnerable and able to share my feeling, and would never take you for granted”. Mean while she’s thinking “John is an ok guy to have as a friend, but I really wouldn’t want to date him. He’s too wishy-washy.”

What we end up with is a knife that cuts them both: she’s attracted to the confidence of the jerk, but wants someone who isn’t a jerk. He’s not a jerk, but his lack of confidence is unattractive. And they both go home lonely, wondering if they will ever meet the right person.

Now I understand the guy’s point of view that “women are attracted to jerks” And I also understand the woman’s point of view that “there are no good men left”. Women are looking for a quality that

Too much confidence makes a jerk. Too little makes a dork. Somewhere in the middle is just right, but most men probably fall on the “too little” end of the scale. That’s why they are sometimes called ”too nice”. Women aren’t looking for the jerks, but the jerks are the only ones with enough confidence to attract them!

Geez. And all this time I thought it was my bald spot that was holding me back!

Freight Train

I remember a time when it seemed that my world had fallen to pieces. Emotionally, I was about as low as I could get. In the midst of all of that, my mother looked at me and said “As bad as it is, you still got to go on. The world doesn’t stop, and people are still depending on you”. And so, this became my motto: No matter what, you gotta keep going.

Someone dies? Keep going. Lost a job? Keep going. Divorce? Keep going. Make a stupid decision? Keep going? Oh yeah, did I mention that you keep going?

Failure? It’s not an option. Don’t have time to fail. Gotta keep going. My needs? I got none. Sacrifice. Be the bigger person. Gotta always be the strong one. Keep giving. Gotta do what I gotta do. Ask for help? Ain’t got time. If someone wanted to help, they can see what needs to be done. They ain’t helping? Fine. No one else is gonna do it? Fine, I’ll do that as well. I’ll do it myself. Keep going, pushing. I’m talking totally driven, pushed to the point that most people would give up, beg for mercy, be in a mental ward, and yet you are still driving, faster, harder, more and more.

Well, that was me. And I kept going, winding like a rubber band, tighter and tighter, until I couldn’t feel a thing. I literally had allowed “keep going” to become my life. It was my “drug” if you will, and it took away any emotional pain that I had. Why? Because I had no time to feel. I was always doing things instead!

My life had become a list of accomplishments. I achieved everything that I had ever wanted to do, had everything that I ever wanted (rednecks don’t need that much), and suddenly could do what I always wanted to do.

Except that I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Somewhere along that line, I totally lost what I enjoy. And I don’t mean I gave up fishing or something like that; I mean that I had absolutely no clue as to what I enjoyed. Imagine someone asking you what do you like to do, and you just stand there, and can’t think of a damn thing! It sure makes small talk tough!

I’d taken vacations. But I was the one doing all the planning, the loading, the financials, the scheduling. Sure, people like going on vacation with me. Because they didn’t have to worry about doing anything!

I’d been fishing. I’d been to the races. I’d seen movies. I’d done a lot. But 99% of that time, it was about someone else. Someone else enjoyed going to a movie, so I went. Someone else enjoyed the races, so I went. Someone else enjoy fishing and hunting, so I went. No one else enjoyed going grocery shopping, so I went there too!

Point is, I’d been so busy trying to take care of other people, and see that they enjoyed themselves (even if it required me to make a fool out of myself) that I totally lost sight of anything that I enjoyed.

Hobbies? Fixing broken things is not a hobby. Neither is mowing the lawn, nor painting the house, nor going to school functions or working fundraisers. All the accomplishments in the world still don’t count as a hobby. No one collects successes, and plays with them.

So, I’ve had to start figuring out what I do enjoy. And pretty much, it’s simple little things.

I like to explore. I like to go to little towns and see the sites, but not with a schedule and not with any kind of deadline.

I love to see drag races. I love watch guys play music and play along with them. I love the beach and the ocean. I love working on cars, provided that it isn’t something that I have to drive the next day!

I love sitting on the swing in my yard, talking to my dogs. And I love talking to some people on the phone. Heck, I love listeneing more than talking!

I’m sure I’ll find other things along the way. The point is though, that I finally quit pushing myself so hard. I’m not so wound, Everything doesn’t have to be on a list, I don’t have to always know where I am going, I can let other people lead, and if the grass doesn’t get cut, I did not fail the neighbors or myself, or the grass.

The amazing thing is that, even though I am not pushing, people are still living. Not a single soul died because Rick quit driving himself insane. Heck, I actually have time now to talk to people.

I know we hear a lot about “stopping to smell the roses” and we all think we do it. But I’m hear to tell you that once you actually stop, smell, look at the stem, trace the leafs, and notice the shape of each petal, then things are whole lot different. You learn to appreciate the beauty in something for what it is, not just a whiff or aroma in passing.

I think my new motto is “Enjoy the Ride”!

Potentializing

Potential. That’s the word I am trying to lose/forget/quit using. You see, I have a problem: I see potential in too many things. I see it in old beat up cars, in rotting buildings, in used furniture too. But my biggest problem is that I see it in the people I date.

It’s a big challenge to date someone. There are many things, beyond the physical, that have to be considered. There is cleanliness, past times, communication, morals, religion and so much more that has to be considered. No one is perfect, so we often find ourselves thinking “I can live with that” or “We can work around that”.

The problem is that I have certain things that are “musts”. Parenting skills. Love of people. Big heart. Selfless. Honest. Strong (which can include loud and stubborn), but flexible as well. Knows how to play. Comfortable with not being 20 anymore. Those things are very important to me, and so I look at people who have these things. The problem is, of course, most people do not have anywhere close to the complete set..

So I find myself “potentializing”.

What is “potentializing”? It’s the thinking process of “she’d be good at this” or “she can probably do that” or even worse “I know how to do that, and she seems to want to learn, so I will teach her”. I don’t “settle” for less than I want; I just see what’s there, and think that the rest will come in time!

Now whether you admit it or not, we all do this. Parents do it with their children, co-workers do it with new employees, preachers do it with their congregation, and teachers do it with students. We see what can be, instead of what things are right now. It’s how most of us were raised.

In those contexts’ it’s ok and even desirable. But if someone has no parenting skills once they reach 45, it is very doubtful that the parenting fairy is going to drop by one day and suddenly gift them with valuable knowledge. If they are chronically late, they are not going to suddenly be an early bird. If they are sloppy, they are not suddenly going to become Mr Clean.

Now they might do that to please you for a short while. They might work really hard to keep everything spotless, be on time, be respectful, and even mow the grass. But once the new wears off, once they decide they are tired of trying to live up to the “potential” that you see in them, they are going to revert to being what they “are” instead of what you thought they could become.

Sorry to say, but you can’t change people, and basing a relationship on “potentializing” is dumb. Which makes me a dumbie!

I’ve learned that I am what I am. I’m most likely not going to change a whole lot. Oh, I might learn a new skill, a new language, and how to cook enchiladas better, but for the most part, I am what I am. No one is going to rush in and make a sophisticated gentleman out of me. That’s just not the part I want to play.

And I’ve also learned that I’m not going to change anyone else either. If they like fine wine, going to the opera, ballroom dancing, or eating escargot, well, it’s easy to figure out that we live in different worlds. The tough part is when you live in the same world!

I know lots of folks who are just as country as me, just as polite, have basically the same raising, and yet don’t take care of their kids. I know plenty that have huge hearts that also like to smoke a little dope. And I know a few that are strong, but have not yet learned that being strong also means knowing that you can be wrong and vulnerable as well. They all have the "potential" to be what I want, but I’d rather find someone who already is, by their own choice.

You can paint a brown car purple, but under the hood, under the dash, and in the trunk, it’ll still brown. Purple cars may be hard to find, but when you do find one, well, them being rare is what makes them so wonderful.

And that’s what I am going to wait and look for: the person who fits, not the person with the “potential” to fit. I'm tired of fitting round pegs into star-shaped holes; I'd rather find the star!