Potentializing

Potential. That’s the word I am trying to lose/forget/quit using. You see, I have a problem: I see potential in too many things. I see it in old beat up cars, in rotting buildings, in used furniture too. But my biggest problem is that I see it in the people I date.

It’s a big challenge to date someone. There are many things, beyond the physical, that have to be considered. There is cleanliness, past times, communication, morals, religion and so much more that has to be considered. No one is perfect, so we often find ourselves thinking “I can live with that” or “We can work around that”.

The problem is that I have certain things that are “musts”. Parenting skills. Love of people. Big heart. Selfless. Honest. Strong (which can include loud and stubborn), but flexible as well. Knows how to play. Comfortable with not being 20 anymore. Those things are very important to me, and so I look at people who have these things. The problem is, of course, most people do not have anywhere close to the complete set..

So I find myself “potentializing”.

What is “potentializing”? It’s the thinking process of “she’d be good at this” or “she can probably do that” or even worse “I know how to do that, and she seems to want to learn, so I will teach her”. I don’t “settle” for less than I want; I just see what’s there, and think that the rest will come in time!

Now whether you admit it or not, we all do this. Parents do it with their children, co-workers do it with new employees, preachers do it with their congregation, and teachers do it with students. We see what can be, instead of what things are right now. It’s how most of us were raised.

In those contexts’ it’s ok and even desirable. But if someone has no parenting skills once they reach 45, it is very doubtful that the parenting fairy is going to drop by one day and suddenly gift them with valuable knowledge. If they are chronically late, they are not going to suddenly be an early bird. If they are sloppy, they are not suddenly going to become Mr Clean.

Now they might do that to please you for a short while. They might work really hard to keep everything spotless, be on time, be respectful, and even mow the grass. But once the new wears off, once they decide they are tired of trying to live up to the “potential” that you see in them, they are going to revert to being what they “are” instead of what you thought they could become.

Sorry to say, but you can’t change people, and basing a relationship on “potentializing” is dumb. Which makes me a dumbie!

I’ve learned that I am what I am. I’m most likely not going to change a whole lot. Oh, I might learn a new skill, a new language, and how to cook enchiladas better, but for the most part, I am what I am. No one is going to rush in and make a sophisticated gentleman out of me. That’s just not the part I want to play.

And I’ve also learned that I’m not going to change anyone else either. If they like fine wine, going to the opera, ballroom dancing, or eating escargot, well, it’s easy to figure out that we live in different worlds. The tough part is when you live in the same world!

I know lots of folks who are just as country as me, just as polite, have basically the same raising, and yet don’t take care of their kids. I know plenty that have huge hearts that also like to smoke a little dope. And I know a few that are strong, but have not yet learned that being strong also means knowing that you can be wrong and vulnerable as well. They all have the "potential" to be what I want, but I’d rather find someone who already is, by their own choice.

You can paint a brown car purple, but under the hood, under the dash, and in the trunk, it’ll still brown. Purple cars may be hard to find, but when you do find one, well, them being rare is what makes them so wonderful.

And that’s what I am going to wait and look for: the person who fits, not the person with the “potential” to fit. I'm tired of fitting round pegs into star-shaped holes; I'd rather find the star!