The Knife Cuts Both Ways

I was reading some stuff the other day about what makes a woman think that a guy is Mr Right. Surprising, for the most part, it has nothing to do with looks, financial situation. Where he lives, or what he drives. The number one thing that attracts women is simple: it’s confidence.

Let that sink in. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. What?

Apparently, the minute you are nervous, show signs of low self esteem, or just question your self, most women immediate write you off. This explains a lot about why some guys can find available women at the grocery store, and yet others couldn’t find a date at a lonely hearts convention where he was the only guy.

Confidence. So that’s the “big secret”? Well, think about this:

We are taught from an early age to be respectful. Always take others feelings into mind. Don’t be pushy. Then Hollywood tells us that women want men who are “vulnerable”, in touch with their feelings, and who are sensitive. So while your busy trying to be all of that, who can be confident?

Have you ever asked someone out and been rejected? It’s not a great feeling, and it destroys your confidence in yourself. But why? Why do we feel like crap if someone rejects our advances? Why are we scared to do it again? Why do we then settle for anyone who will give us the time of day? Why can we not just go on to the next one.

Imagine, if you will that you are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks if you would like to order the special. You tell him “no”. What do you think he asks the next customer? Do you think he considers their emotional state, wonders if he is being to forward, tries to be vulnerable, or waits for the customer to ask him about the special first?

“Well of course not! That would be absurd. He’s just asking what you want to eat.” You say. Well, isn’t asking someone out, or to dance, Pretty much the same?

The confidence that women look for is similar to that shown by the waiter. Duh! How could I have missed that?

Let me be clear though: the confidence that we are discussing here is not the abrasive, bragging, “you-need-me” type. It is the type that allows him to show the correct body language – speaking calm, slow and clear, being funny when it is called for, and making strong, but not pushy, decisions. There is a huge difference between the two!

I always wondered why women would talk about how terrible the dating scene is out there, and yet they are surrounded by lots of good honest men at work, or at the store, or at church or where ever. But they never consider these guys, because they are “just friends”.

And the “just friends” guys? They have been programmed so much by Hollywood and other media to believe that if they share their feelings, are vulnerable, be so sweet, and listen so that women will eventually see how great they are.

So, let’s pick two people, Jane and John, and say that they decide to out to a club as “just friends”. John of course asks one girl to dance, but she turns him down flat, as he’s mousey and somewhat hesitant in his approach, i.e. lacking confidence. Now that he has been shot down, he immediately assumes that it is because he isn’t good looking, and is a dork. He probably will sit at a table all night and just exist. If he does ask anyone else, it’ll be someone who looks mousey and like they won’t reject him again.

Meanwhile, Jane gets asked to dance by 36 guys, 35 of which are mousey, and one of which shows the confidence she is looking for. She immediately gravitates to the confident one. There is just one little problem: the guy knows that he just beat out 35 other guys. And because of that, he has a little too much confidence. Heck, he might have had this happen 200 times. So he has reallllllly too much confidence, so yeah, he’s a jerk.

They both go home at the end of the night. Jane keeps talking about how men are all cocky, they just want what they want, and are jerks. John, in the meantime, has determined that he is ugly and he’s a dork, and that the only women he has a chance with are the mousy ones hiding in the corner that no one else seems to want.

Now he’s desperate, and she thinks all men are jerks. John doesn’t understand her thinking, because he’s thinking “I’m right here and I’m vulnerable and able to share my feeling, and would never take you for granted”. Mean while she’s thinking “John is an ok guy to have as a friend, but I really wouldn’t want to date him. He’s too wishy-washy.”

What we end up with is a knife that cuts them both: she’s attracted to the confidence of the jerk, but wants someone who isn’t a jerk. He’s not a jerk, but his lack of confidence is unattractive. And they both go home lonely, wondering if they will ever meet the right person.

Now I understand the guy’s point of view that “women are attracted to jerks” And I also understand the woman’s point of view that “there are no good men left”. Women are looking for a quality that

Too much confidence makes a jerk. Too little makes a dork. Somewhere in the middle is just right, but most men probably fall on the “too little” end of the scale. That’s why they are sometimes called ”too nice”. Women aren’t looking for the jerks, but the jerks are the only ones with enough confidence to attract them!

Geez. And all this time I thought it was my bald spot that was holding me back!