Freight Train

I remember a time when it seemed that my world had fallen to pieces. Emotionally, I was about as low as I could get. In the midst of all of that, my mother looked at me and said “As bad as it is, you still got to go on. The world doesn’t stop, and people are still depending on you”. And so, this became my motto: No matter what, you gotta keep going.

Someone dies? Keep going. Lost a job? Keep going. Divorce? Keep going. Make a stupid decision? Keep going? Oh yeah, did I mention that you keep going?

Failure? It’s not an option. Don’t have time to fail. Gotta keep going. My needs? I got none. Sacrifice. Be the bigger person. Gotta always be the strong one. Keep giving. Gotta do what I gotta do. Ask for help? Ain’t got time. If someone wanted to help, they can see what needs to be done. They ain’t helping? Fine. No one else is gonna do it? Fine, I’ll do that as well. I’ll do it myself. Keep going, pushing. I’m talking totally driven, pushed to the point that most people would give up, beg for mercy, be in a mental ward, and yet you are still driving, faster, harder, more and more.

Well, that was me. And I kept going, winding like a rubber band, tighter and tighter, until I couldn’t feel a thing. I literally had allowed “keep going” to become my life. It was my “drug” if you will, and it took away any emotional pain that I had. Why? Because I had no time to feel. I was always doing things instead!

My life had become a list of accomplishments. I achieved everything that I had ever wanted to do, had everything that I ever wanted (rednecks don’t need that much), and suddenly could do what I always wanted to do.

Except that I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Somewhere along that line, I totally lost what I enjoy. And I don’t mean I gave up fishing or something like that; I mean that I had absolutely no clue as to what I enjoyed. Imagine someone asking you what do you like to do, and you just stand there, and can’t think of a damn thing! It sure makes small talk tough!

I’d taken vacations. But I was the one doing all the planning, the loading, the financials, the scheduling. Sure, people like going on vacation with me. Because they didn’t have to worry about doing anything!

I’d been fishing. I’d been to the races. I’d seen movies. I’d done a lot. But 99% of that time, it was about someone else. Someone else enjoyed going to a movie, so I went. Someone else enjoyed the races, so I went. Someone else enjoy fishing and hunting, so I went. No one else enjoyed going grocery shopping, so I went there too!

Point is, I’d been so busy trying to take care of other people, and see that they enjoyed themselves (even if it required me to make a fool out of myself) that I totally lost sight of anything that I enjoyed.

Hobbies? Fixing broken things is not a hobby. Neither is mowing the lawn, nor painting the house, nor going to school functions or working fundraisers. All the accomplishments in the world still don’t count as a hobby. No one collects successes, and plays with them.

So, I’ve had to start figuring out what I do enjoy. And pretty much, it’s simple little things.

I like to explore. I like to go to little towns and see the sites, but not with a schedule and not with any kind of deadline.

I love to see drag races. I love watch guys play music and play along with them. I love the beach and the ocean. I love working on cars, provided that it isn’t something that I have to drive the next day!

I love sitting on the swing in my yard, talking to my dogs. And I love talking to some people on the phone. Heck, I love listeneing more than talking!

I’m sure I’ll find other things along the way. The point is though, that I finally quit pushing myself so hard. I’m not so wound, Everything doesn’t have to be on a list, I don’t have to always know where I am going, I can let other people lead, and if the grass doesn’t get cut, I did not fail the neighbors or myself, or the grass.

The amazing thing is that, even though I am not pushing, people are still living. Not a single soul died because Rick quit driving himself insane. Heck, I actually have time now to talk to people.

I know we hear a lot about “stopping to smell the roses” and we all think we do it. But I’m hear to tell you that once you actually stop, smell, look at the stem, trace the leafs, and notice the shape of each petal, then things are whole lot different. You learn to appreciate the beauty in something for what it is, not just a whiff or aroma in passing.

I think my new motto is “Enjoy the Ride”!