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I admit to being a guy. And of course, that means that I am usually wrong. I don't know nor care why, I am just usually wrong, and that's fine with me. I accept it an go on about my business.

I live in a house built in the 1980's.I bought it a few years back, but haven't made many, if any changes to it. Needless to say, it needs some, uh, updating. So, I sat out to do just that.

I went to the store, and found some awesome looking laminate flooring. Cool! Rough-cut hickory, natrual finish, just perfect. And while I was there, I found some carpet. In brown of course, because brown is the color of dirt, and that means it will hide dirt. And I think I'll paint as well, so I bought some eggshell colored paint, because that's what you paint everything, and no one complains if you decide that you want to sell it.

So this was perfect, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. Oh, this is terrible!

I'm talking with a friend one evening before I get the new carpet installed. I'm telling her what I am doing, and she tells me how much she hates her laminate floors. It seems if they get really wet, they buckle. And the surface gets scraped through. And pets can ruin them. And so forth, and so on. Ok, that's a red flag, so maybe I'll rethink that.

But there's more.

She asks me if there will ever be another woman in my life. I tell her that is always a possibility, you never know what the future will hold. so then she says to me "So why are you re-doign the house twice?"

Huh? What? What are you talking about?

"You do realize that, should you ever meet someone, the first thing she will do is look at your place as a bachelor pad. And that means that she is going to want to re-decorate it herself. So be prepared to change that new carpet out soon."

No! This can not be. Who would look at my beautiful floors and think "Those are nice, but red carpet and tile floors would be better." So I thanked her, and went along my way.

But it nagged at me. And so I asked a couple of other ladies that I knew about this. And they all had the same opinion. But they also offered to help me out, and show me what to do so that this wouldn't happen.

They asked my "mo-teef" and I said "Early Garage Sale". They asked about the colors in my drapes, and I said "Whatever was in those sheets when I made into curtains." Then they asked about my bedspread. Ok, this is getting weird here.

So I said "Ok , this is getting weird here", as I was worried they were going to ask the color of my droors next. Instead, they just want me to take pictures of everything. So I do that. Days go by. I am wondering what has happened. Suddenly they arrive with Paint samples in tow.

Ok, now for you redenck guys, let me explain this. You see, your curtains probably have stripes in them, and what ever color is in the least used stripe, well you want that to match a stripe in your bedspread. Sheets also need to match a stripe on one of the above, but it does not have to be the same stripe.

Still with me?

Now, we have to coordinate a paint color to go with all of the stripes, and then we have to have another color to go on the trim, but it has to match with the paint. And finally, we match the carpet to tie in the whole ensemble. Throw in an area rug, some neutral colored furniture, and -voila- instant beautiful house.

Got that? Good, cause I am totally lost. I am a redneck, for heavens sakes!

Let me explain color samples: It's like looking at a box of 7000 crayons. Ok, there are 7000 crayons. What am I supposed to do with 7000 crayons? Are we drawing stickmen on the walls or something?

In other words, I don't get it. I just don't get it.

I even looked through pictures of one of their houses as they explained how this matched that, went with this orange stripe here, and this leaf, and the vase over there, to the coffee table, and then the counter tops, and the toilet seat. See, it's really simple!

Yeah, right. Know what I did?

I took back the floor and the paint, and cancelled the carpet. I went into my room with the unmatched curtains and bedspread and sat there on my sheets which were one color that didn't match anything. I wanted to curl up in a ball, pulled the sheet over my head, and repeat"I hate paint samples" for 3 days.

Needless to say, the house now looks exactly like it did before I ever started this crud. My checking account is happy, but I still hate the flooring and the walls. At least, though, I don;t have to worry about anything matching, because nothing does. And in a way, that's just my style.

Now, I wonder what colors of paint i can get at the next garage sale.....