Will I Ever Get Out Of The Mall?

Well here we are again in the middle of the holiday season. People are out looking for the prefect gift, and shopping malls are madhouses. Holiday parades, shows, church programs, and dinners are everywhere. The question is, how does one fit all of this into one lifetime? For the average family, this is quite a chore.

If both parents work, then there are usually 2 work Christmas dinners that must be attended, “sans children”(which, of course, is French for “good luck finding a babysitter”). If you miss the dinner, then you are on the corporate list of people who miss dinners, which will later cause you to lose the office with a window. Hence, one must attend unless one enjoys working in a cave.

Then there are the local school festivities. Each PTA will have a meeting, and they usually have a Christmas program, which of course will include your child. Your child will probably just sing along with the other 300 kids, but you must attend anyway. Why? Because if you don’t go, then you can’t record said child singing. And Grandmas are just dying to see the tape of there special little one singing.

Next we have the local events. Children love parades, and heaven know there are a lot of those. A child must also sit on Santa’s lap, so you have to get a calendar and map to keep up with where he is. Sometimes, though you get lucky and Santa will appear in a parade, and have lap sitting afterwards. Then you get to knock out two things in one trip!

Just be forewarned that the law of nature dictates that it must be 12 degrees or less outside for said event to occur. And your child will forget his jacket.

There are also church programs, friend’s parties, neighborhood parties, local organizations that have parties, groceries to buy, and candies to cooks. The list just goes on and on. And sadly, you still have to do the normal stuff too, like helping the kids with homework, shopping, and paying the bills. It is enough to make your head explode.

Sometimes, I ask myself “Why do I keep doing this”? And then I am reminded about just how wonderful Christmas was a kid. I know my parents went though much of the same stuff, but to me it was all just one wonderful month.

I know it’s not easy to keep up with all of the parties, events, and shopping that we have to do, but I salute each and every one of you for making the effort. When your kids get grown, they will be filled with happy memories. And after all is said and done, isn’t that what we want for them?
Here’s wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas. Oh, by the way, did I forget to mention that you also need to schedule that Christmas get together with the relatives?

The Official Redneck List

Well, turkey day is now in the books. No longer will we have to deal with all of the stores playing turkey song, and all of those shoppers rushing out to get those last minute turkey gifts. Yes, friends, we can now focus on what’s really important: my Christmas list.

Like most people my age, I have pretty much everything I ever wanted. Through the years you amass stuff a little at a time, and one day you look around and think “Geez!, What else could I ever possibly need?” And while a new truck or boat would be nice, it’s probably not something Santa is going to be able to drop down the chimney.

As such, we older folks slowly become what younger folks call “hard-to-buy-for”. Each of you has probably had to deal with a person like this in your life. No matter what you look at, they either have it, don’t want it, or wouldn’t understand what to do with it in the first place. Sadly, according to my children, I have now reached this status.

Hence,they are is forcing me to make a list. So right now, right here in this blog, I am presenting the Rick Quick Christmas List. You folks might want to pay extra attention, as these wonderful gift ideas apply to most rednecks, with or without teeth.

1) Air tools. You can’t go wrong with air tools. And they don’t have to be the expensive ones wither. An Air sander, grinder, snipper, screwer, pounder, driver, or even an air chuck will do. Ask any redneck: you can never have enough air chucks. Them things have legs of their own.

2) Jeans. No matter how many pairs of jeans the average redneck has, he will always need more. By age 40 most of us have stopped growing, so even if we put them in the closet for 5 years, we can still wear them then. That beer gut may change your shirt size, but it rarely affects your jeans size.

3) Lawn Art. Yeah, I know this sounds a little kooky, but hear me out on this one. By giving said redneck Lawn Art, you prevent him from being drug all over town by his spouse/girlfriend/significant other (whatever those are) to shop for said Lawn Art. And as we all know, spouses/girlfriends/significant others only feel the sudden need to go Yard Art shopping when LSU is playing on TV. Which brings us to number 4.

4) Anything with LSU on it. You see, I am raising 3 little Tigers. The more LSU stuff they see, the more it becomes important to them to go LSU, instead of one of them fancy-named colleges which will bankrupt me and force me to sell my air tool collection. Other local schools are acceptable too, provided they don’t produce more lawyers than Ag majors.

5) Socks. Yeah, I know. We all think of socks as a “sorry but I couldn’t think of anything else” type of gift. But the truth is, they don’t make socks like they used to. Today’s socks wear out after two good washings, and they get holey after three. So give your redneck some socks, and prevent him from embarrassing his spouse by showing the holey-toe when he goes to buy boots. And socks with LSU written on them count for double bonus points.

So there you have it. 5 great ideas that will work for most any and all rednecks. Now y’all can rush out and buy gifts and be confident that you won’t put a strain on the return line at Wal-Mart on December 26. And heaven knows rednecks hate retuning things.
That’s how re-gifting was born….

The Show Less Watched

Over the past week, one of our local people has placed himself square in the middle of the Saints situation. Terry Bradshaw has offered to front a group that will purchase the Saints and keep them in Louisiana. The only problem seems to be that the owner still doesn’t want to sell.

Now, I might just be an old redneck from the sticks, but it does seem to me to be a little hard to buy something from someone who won’t sell it.

Hence, it appears that Terry’s actions went for naught, as Tom Benson refuted his offers and now plans to possibly move the team to the Philippines, where he will replace all of the players with under-age workers, and pay them sub-standard wages. Sure, I have no proof of that, but it makes for a good story.

So, to review, we now have an owner who does not want to be in New Orleans, an NFL commissioner who wants them there to save face, no stadium in New Orleans for the team to play in, someone who wants to buy the team, an owner who doesn’t want to sell, and of course, a team that in many respects is the second best team to play home games at Tiger stadium.

Excuse me, but doesn’t this seem like a perfect Soap Opera?

If we could only teach Tom Benson to have multiple personalities (many say he does), have the NFL commissioner abducted by aliens and replaced with his evil twin who was given up for adoption at birth, and possible get the players to get drunk, get arrested, beat their spouses, trash-talk the coaches and the city, and fool around with each other wives, we would have a show no one could resist.

Every week, “As The Saints Turn” could re-hash plots from old sitcoms, and Tom could get one of those famous sayings he could use every week, like “Well paint me green and call me Gumby.” If he danced around with the umbrella only on sunny days and left it behind in the rain, that would make him look even more looney

The commissioner could play both himself and his evil twin like lots of S.O. stars do. All he would have to do is take off his present toupee and change it for one of a different color. He already talks out of both sides of his mouth, so he could handle 2 parts very easily.

The players are already doing their part. Nuff said there.

As for me, I’ll play the fan who grows more apathetic about the whole thing every day. I’ll start wearing my Saints shirts when I am working on the tractors, I’ll let the kids through around those autographed footballs, and I’ll mow the lawn when the team is on TV. In truth, that ain’t a whole lot different than things are today.
Be sure to tune in Next week on “As The Saints Turn” when we will hear Tom say “Terry Bradshaw? How did he get more money than me?.”

Promises Promises

Me and my big mouth. You would think that at my age, I would have learned to keep it shut. Unfortunately, I still flap my jaws long before I think about what I am really saying. Such has been my week. I opened my mouth and inserted my foot.

Actually, I promised Jeanie Sue that I would find her the perfect date.

Yep, idiot that I am, I blindly made a promise thinking “just how hard could it be to find a date for a redneck-ess?” Well, lemme tell you, it ain’t quite as easy as it sounds.

First off, there are certain expectations that go along with this date. They involve finding a person with a job, some teeth, a thing she refers to as “morals”, and a decent personality. On top of all of this, the person has to like kids, and not be prone to beating his dates up.

She might have just as well asked me to find a diamond mine in Mooringsport.

I started out by making a list of all of the men that I knew. Than I crossed out the ones that were dating someone else, as I would prefer not to get shot. Then I had to cross off the ones who refused to work more than a week at a time. Than I crossed off the one who drank more than 2 6-packs a day.

I then took my list to another friend of ours, and had her dwindle it down according to personality and likelihood of Jeanie Sue to drive the person up the walls. This left one person on the list.

“Well, there you have it” my wife said. “Her and Billy Joe are perfect for one another. They both have kids, jobs, cars that run, and eat grits. There couldn’t be anything more wonderful.”

Knowing that women are usually right about these things, I decided to call BJ and tell him that I had the perfect woman for him. I had even set up a time for them to meet. And on top of that, I went so far as to offer do this at my house, where I would serve them Twinkies and beer, along with a home-cooked meal of taters and fried squash.

“Sorry Rick”, he told me. “No can do. She sounds wonderful, but this is deer season. Nobody dates during hunting season. If she’s still around when rabbit season closes in February, we’ll see what happens then.”

To say the least, I was shocked. Here I had a chance to fix my friends up and possibly get both of them married off before Christmas (which means that I save money cause I only have to buy one gift then), and it all gets ruined by hunting. How can this happen?

Sadly, I had to call Jeanie Sue and tell her that I struck out. I had to admit defeat. It was hard on me emotionally, but I made it through. And Jeanie Sue was such a trooper about it, too. She said my failure was ok, and that she will just live the rest of her life out as a spinster woman, and probably die old and alone and toothless waiting for change at a slot machine. “Besides”, she said. “It’s deer season. What self respecting redneck-ess would be going out a date during deer season?”

Next time I decide to fix someone up, remind me just go ahead and shoot something.