The Cows Have Not Come home

It was a night like any other night. The children slept peacefully in bed, unaware of the horror that was about to befall them. As morning came they rushed into the kitchen, and fixed themselves a bowl of chocolate puffs. Then, as they opened the refrigerator, the children shrieked in scared fits as they saw the devastation before them: the milk jug was empty.

Though many people are not aware of it, this scene is repeated in my household each day. My mild mannered children are being scarred for life by milk jugs that seem to, for no apparent reason, empty themselves. I too have suffered from this horrible affliction as I tried to make myself some corn flakes last week. Thank heavens I was able to get an appointment with a good therapist, or else I might still be lying on the floor in the fetal position screaming, “the milk is gone, the milk is gone”.

Though modern science has no explanation for it, we seem to have bought a house built on the “dairy fault”. No matter how much milk, cream, butter, or cheese I purchase, it always seems to slip into some crack in the earth, and be forever forgotten. Just last week I watched as 5 pounds of cheddar disappear without a trace.

I have called the local police, and they have combed my house from one end to the other with out turning up a single clue. As deputy Barney put it “It’s as if someone has a key to your house, and is only interested in your dairy case. If this spreads to the local convenience store, milk may hit $8 a gallon, if it hasn’t already. If I were you, I would move and possibly enter the Federal Milk Protection Program.”

No parent is ever prepared to deal with this sort of thing. My 5 year old recently told me that he lived in fear that there won’t be milk for his Captain Crunch with Crunchberries or cheese for his cheese toast tomorrow. I tried to be strong for him, but this has taken its toll on me. Fortunately, my 12 year old was able to distract him by pulling out Chutes and Ladders.

When will this stop? Where will it end? I just don’t have the answers. All we can do is hope that by changing houses we can eliminate this horrible affliction that the kids have come to call “No Moo Juice”.

Fortunately, my 9 year old has put all of this into perspective. He said that we need to be thankful that we have a home and a family, and that we should continue buying dairy products to show that we will not be defeated by this terrible problem. What a trooper he is. And you know, this has affected him most. Every morning, he wakes with a white moustache and covered in orange crumbs.
I guess that fault must run underneath his bed.

How to Be Happily Married Without Her Knowing It

Dear Brother-in-law:

This weekend, you will do the unspeakable. You will in one moment go from being a happy go lucky bachelor to sharing your closet with 44 pairs of shoes and 68 things that are unmentionable. If you took the time to read the license, you now know that you are getting married.

When someone gets married, there is usually a festive spirit in the air. Family members cry, the dog’s howl, and the guests wish their best to the new bride and groom. No one ever really gets into how to make the marriage work, as such discussion might actually depress the wedding party, and cause the cake to deflate on the spot.

Since you are my brother-in-law, and my wife is sort of fond of you for some reason, I have decided to give you the real-world scoop on things. As I have lots of marriage experience, I am sure that you will gladly accept my advice and take it to heart.

The first rule of marriage is “Never go to bed angry”. I know from personal experience just how important this rule is. It keeps peace in the house, and allows everyone to sleep better. When you are angry, and it is bedtime, volunteer to sleep on the couch. Incidentally, volunteering her to sleep on the couch can be detrimental to your health.

Say good-bye to your checkbook. This isn’t really so bad. It means that someone will finally figure out what to do with all of those bank statements that they send you at the end of each month. It also keeps you from figuring out just how much the monthly shoe bill is, and a guy really doesn’t want to know things like that.

If you are ever caught looking at another woman, make remarks about how badly her clothes match. This is an “A-1” way to weasel out of a sticky situation. Adding in the statement “It’s a shame that she doesn’t have your fashion sense” is totally unnecessary, and will lead your spouse to believe that you are just trying to weasel out of a sticky situation.

Learn to cry. As any Redbook reader will tell you, your wife will need to see some tears at times, particularly if she breaks a fingernail. Though most guys fail miserably at flowing tears, I find that if I go into the shop and hit my thumb with a hammer, I can make this happen easily. If you break your nail in the process, do not even attempt to mention it.

Never ask family for advice on marital issues. If you go to your mother, she will call you a “mama’s boy”. If you go to her mother, she will accuse you of plotting against her. Instead, get your advice from a complete stranger that she does not know. This will insure that it never gets back to her that you have been discussing your married life all over town. Hint: make sure the stranger is NOT in the hair-care industry.

While this information will not cover every situation that arises, it will at least give you a foundation to hide behind. It will keep you from making horrible faux pas (that’s French for “Uht ohh”), and also keep your new bride happy and content with the fact that she could have chosen Tom Cruise, but instead just chose to be stuck with you. Now you can go about you life like all of us married men, and do whatever she tells you to.
Oh, and there is one last piece of advice: If you tell any of this to your sister, I am gonna tell your wife what really went on at that bachelor party.