Take My Car...Please!

Every year, the Insurance industry puts out a list of the most stolen cars. Because of the likelihood of it being stolen, they then naturally increase the rates on these cars. Thankfully, I have figured out a way to help y’all avoid these higher rates.

I am announcing the “Rick Quick’s List Of The Least Likely To Be Stolen Vehicles”. And I ain’t basing this on any of those surveys and letting facts and numbers get in the way. No, This is based on what I wouldn’t steal, and folks, if I wouldn’t have it, I ain’t sure anyone else will either. Or so says my wife, anyway.

So, here is the official “Rick Quick’s List Of The Least Likely To Be Stolen Vehicles”. Pay attention, or else you might actually steal one of these and prove me wrong. Again.

5)Geo Metro. Sorry Metro owners, you car may get 50 miles per gallon, but ho is going to steal a car so slow that it gets passed by kids on skateboards? What if the thief has to run from the cops? It’s tough to have a high-speed chase when you can only go 8 miles an hour.

4) AMC Pacer. Ok, there was that time about 10 years ago, when the movie “Wayne’s World” was out, that Pacers suddenly came back in style. Well actually they didn’t, but still I am sure one got stolen so that it could be turned into a limousine like they had in the movie. Than again, who would want to be seen a Pacer Limo?

3) Pontiac Aztec. Sure, you can get accessories that will turn this thing into an RV, a Helicopter, an Oil Rig, and possibly a Tuna Boat, but the fact remains that this is one of the ugliest things every to be driven on the American roads. People notice it, even if you are diving it down a dirt road at night with the lights off. It’s hard to hide from the cops when everybody knows where you parked the hideous thing.

2) Any of these new SBOW’s (Shoe Box On Wheels). I can’t imagine someone going into a dealership and saying “Do you have anything that looks likes a rectangle with a hood? And can I get that in purple with plastic on the sides?” Hence, I can’t actually see someone stealing it. They might steal a Mustang, a Viper, or a Corvette, but who would steal one of these? The only thing worse would be stealing one with the fake woodgrain on the sides. What’s next? Fake tires?

There were some cars that got honorable mention, including the Chrysler K-cars (the door handles would fall off leaving the thief trapped inside), The late 70’s LTD 2 door (a thief would need a forklift just to steal the door), the Pontiac Fiero (the carpet is worth more than the engine), and of course the original HumVee (it would take 4 acres just to turn the thing around).

So what is the number one least likely to be stolen vehicle in America, according to my list? It is the 1978 DECLWBPUT (Dodge Extended Cab Long Wheel Base PickUp Truck).
And how did I come to this conclusion? Simple. I own one.

My wife thinks this is the ugliest thing ever built. She hides when we take it to the dump. My daughter lives in mortal fear of the fact that I may one day not only take her to school in it, but that I may also force her to drive once she gets her license. People stare as it goes by, and I know they are thinking “who would steal that?’. Which is exactly my point. Who would steal my truck?
Besides, it would take them 10 minutes just to figure out how to start it!