The Interview
Wow! It finally happened. I got interviewed by Barbara Walters! Well, maybe not in real life, but it happened in my dreams. I thought you folks might like to read about it before it comes out as a feature film at the box office, so I am giving you a snaek preview. Sorry, but I did not include popcorn.
Barbara: Rick, when did you know you were going to be a world famous writer?
Me: Well, Barb, it started in the 3rd grade. Me and Jeff went outside at recess on a red flag day, got all wet, came back in the classroom and made a puddle on the floor. We were made to write 1000 times “I will not go outside and get wet and make a puddle in the classroom when it is a red flag day”. I did it, and saw just how much fun writing can be.
Barbara: What is the greatest thing you have ever written?
Me: The speech I gave at Sonya’s funeral. It was inspired, and came totally from the heart.
Barbara: You write a lot about your kids. Why do you do that?
Me: Because once you have kids, you cease to exist. You become chief, cook, bottle washer, chauffeur, psychologist, and trauma nurse. Who has time to think about anything else?
Barbara: I know that you are a redneck. Does it bother you that people think bad things about rednecks?
Me: People think bad things about rednecks? Gee, I never realized that. I feel..so alone …please …just turn off the camera …I don’t want people to see my cry …
After a 20-minute break for commercials about some hair products that I have absolutely no use for (though they kindly gave me a check to endorse them) the interview resumed.
Barbara: Rick, we know this is an emotional time for you. Can you tell us what you are feeling?
Me: Well, Barb-baby, I am devastated. I am a redneck, and I can no more change that than a leopard can change his underwear. I was born one and will die one. Being a redneck may sound bad to some people, but there are so many advantages. If you talk slow, people think that you are dumb, and never realize that you are selling them parts off of your brother’s car. I can make a planter out of a used tire, and it fits my décor. I can wear camouflage to the town meeting, and everybody will think I am a snappy dresser. Heck, I can even open your beer bottle with my teeth.
Barb-baby: Wow! I am impressed. I never drank when I was young because those city boys could never get the bottles open. Do you suppose that you could teach me how to change the oil in my BMW too?
Me: Uh Barb-honey, the BMW has to go. You need a truck with lots of chrome. And with the left over cash you can buy a new tractor. And not one of them puny lawn mowers that people call a tractor either. Heck, there may still be enough to get a porch swing and build a lean-to off the house.
Barbie: OK, redneck-man. You have convinced me. Where do I get my overalls and hat, and where do I sleep?
Me: Uh Barbie, I am sorry but you just can’t move in. I wish you could honey, but those cameras and light will scare the cows. And heaven knows you just will not look good in wranglers. I am sorry, but you just can’t decide to be a redneck and become one the same day!
Barb: But I’ll change! I’ll give up the cameras! I’ll learn to slop the hogs! I’ll even plow and bush hog. Just don’t send me back to that Peter Jennings. Don’t make me do it!!
And that is how Barbara Walters came to be living in the loft of my barn. It’s not too bad, but I wish she’d quit interviewing the livestock. I mean, gee, isn’t that what Jerry Springer is for?
Barbara: Rick, when did you know you were going to be a world famous writer?
Me: Well, Barb, it started in the 3rd grade. Me and Jeff went outside at recess on a red flag day, got all wet, came back in the classroom and made a puddle on the floor. We were made to write 1000 times “I will not go outside and get wet and make a puddle in the classroom when it is a red flag day”. I did it, and saw just how much fun writing can be.
Barbara: What is the greatest thing you have ever written?
Me: The speech I gave at Sonya’s funeral. It was inspired, and came totally from the heart.
Barbara: You write a lot about your kids. Why do you do that?
Me: Because once you have kids, you cease to exist. You become chief, cook, bottle washer, chauffeur, psychologist, and trauma nurse. Who has time to think about anything else?
Barbara: I know that you are a redneck. Does it bother you that people think bad things about rednecks?
Me: People think bad things about rednecks? Gee, I never realized that. I feel..so alone …please …just turn off the camera …I don’t want people to see my cry …
After a 20-minute break for commercials about some hair products that I have absolutely no use for (though they kindly gave me a check to endorse them) the interview resumed.
Barbara: Rick, we know this is an emotional time for you. Can you tell us what you are feeling?
Me: Well, Barb-baby, I am devastated. I am a redneck, and I can no more change that than a leopard can change his underwear. I was born one and will die one. Being a redneck may sound bad to some people, but there are so many advantages. If you talk slow, people think that you are dumb, and never realize that you are selling them parts off of your brother’s car. I can make a planter out of a used tire, and it fits my décor. I can wear camouflage to the town meeting, and everybody will think I am a snappy dresser. Heck, I can even open your beer bottle with my teeth.
Barb-baby: Wow! I am impressed. I never drank when I was young because those city boys could never get the bottles open. Do you suppose that you could teach me how to change the oil in my BMW too?
Me: Uh Barb-honey, the BMW has to go. You need a truck with lots of chrome. And with the left over cash you can buy a new tractor. And not one of them puny lawn mowers that people call a tractor either. Heck, there may still be enough to get a porch swing and build a lean-to off the house.
Barbie: OK, redneck-man. You have convinced me. Where do I get my overalls and hat, and where do I sleep?
Me: Uh Barbie, I am sorry but you just can’t move in. I wish you could honey, but those cameras and light will scare the cows. And heaven knows you just will not look good in wranglers. I am sorry, but you just can’t decide to be a redneck and become one the same day!
Barb: But I’ll change! I’ll give up the cameras! I’ll learn to slop the hogs! I’ll even plow and bush hog. Just don’t send me back to that Peter Jennings. Don’t make me do it!!
And that is how Barbara Walters came to be living in the loft of my barn. It’s not too bad, but I wish she’d quit interviewing the livestock. I mean, gee, isn’t that what Jerry Springer is for?
posted by Rick Quick | 7:33 PM
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